This Week’s Horoscopes

Ask not what you can do for the horoscopes, but what the horoscopes can do for you.

Aries:

Time is wasted, time is lost, time is given to others without permission. It’s time to take back time. 

Taurus:

Supply and demand may sound like a basic life principle, but you obviously know better. Buy a surplus of these and you won’t be sorry.

Gemini:

Shame is not an emotion you’ve ever felt before- and now is not the time to start testing it out. If your coworkers make you feel bad about yourself go ahead and slap them all.

Cancer:

Let your heart drive you. But not literally.

Libra:

Treasure each and every moment you have with your pillow. Before long you’ll have to get out of bed and actually get a job (at least, that’s what my mom keeps telling me).

Scorpio:

Keep your hands to yourself and you’ll never steal again.

Pisces:

Reading a new book is a good way to sound smart when you talk to your crush. Try something sultry and fun, like Sophomore Sommelier to really show him or her your wild side.

Aquarius:

Just remember: you can’t uncook the chicken that you’ve overcooked.

Sagittarius:

Want to host a party this weekend but don’t have any friends? No surprises there!

Virgo:

Stop trying to control every aspect of your life. If you let fate lead you, doors you never knew existed will soon be open. This includes the cellar door in your neighbors yard- but seriously, you do not want to go in there.

Capricorn:

If you give up now you’ll only be letting the fascists win.

Leave a Reply