The Week Before That’s Before That’s Horoscopes

Your perfect guide to the stars is here. Let them shine on your hopes, dreams and marital problems.


It’s time to see a dentist about that ‘tooth ache’. Chances are there’s more than just a root canal in your future.


You may think you’re in love, but take a step back and reevaluate. Love might really just be disgust in sheep’s clothing.


With Mars out of retrograde you should take the chance and ask for a raise. It’s time your parents stop paying for your juice cleanses.


Beware of bridges.


If you continue to try and control your partner you may find yourself alone this weekend. Say yes for once and go with them to the strip club.


A slice of cake may sound good at the time, but with bikini season here opt for the texmex paleta instead.


Don’t let opinions hold you back, you can do anything you set your mind to. This includes embezzlement and fraud.


A fish out of water will die. A car under water won’t work. A person on fire needs water.


It’s time to stop doubting the power of caffeine.


Sometimes I think your hair looks like you don’t shower and it really bothers me.


Mercury is calling. Head to the beach tomorrow evening and you won’t regret it.


Set your intentions for the weekend by burning sage. The ghosts won’t mess up your goals this weekend.

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