The Week Before That’s Before That’s Horoscopes

Your perfect guide to the stars is here. Let them shine on your hopes, dreams and marital problems.

Aries:

It’s time to see a dentist about that ‘tooth ache’. Chances are there’s more than just a root canal in your future.

Taurus:

You may think you’re in love, but take a step back and reevaluate. Love might really just be disgust in sheep’s clothing.

Gemini:

With Mars out of retrograde you should take the chance and ask for a raise. It’s time your parents stop paying for your juice cleanses.

Cancer:

Beware of bridges.

Libra:

If you continue to try and control your partner you may find yourself alone this weekend. Say yes for once and go with them to the strip club.

Leo:

A slice of cake may sound good at the time, but with bikini season here opt for the texmex paleta instead.

Scorpio:

Don’t let opinions hold you back, you can do anything you set your mind to. This includes embezzlement and fraud.

Pisces:

A fish out of water will die. A car under water won’t work. A person on fire needs water.

Aquarius:

It’s time to stop doubting the power of caffeine.

Sagittarius:

Sometimes I think your hair looks like you don’t shower and it really bothers me.

Virgo:

Mercury is calling. Head to the beach tomorrow evening and you won’t regret it.

Capricorn:

Set your intentions for the weekend by burning sage. The ghosts won’t mess up your goals this weekend.

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